Halloween is less than four hours away, and I’m going to spend that time talking about something very important to me. It’s something that I’ve loved my whole life, and something that, for a few years now, I’ve had to give up. It was not my desire to give it up, but certain things happened in the world and my love just couldn’t flourish any longer, not the way it had.
I am talking, of course, about vampire mythos.
I have had a not-so-secret love of vampires for quite literally my whole life. Dressed as Drac in the second grade, spend a lot of money on Vampire: the Masquerade when I was in high school, and I didn’t even play. I just love the mythologies and legends from around the world, and none so much as those regarding vampires.
And then fucking Twilight happened.
Yes. Fucking Twliight. I tried to read the first book. Four pages in I wanted to beat someone with the book. And then all the people started talking. Vampires sparkle. Oh there are werewolves too. Oh this girl has this love triangle with this vampire who’s an asshole and this werewolf who likes her but its just not right.
Waaaaaaaaaitaminute. I REMEMBER THIS BOOK! IT WAS CALLED THE ANITA BLAKE FUCKING SAGA! And I didn’t like it then, either. But at least Jean and Richard were interesting and complex characters, and the books were written in a very rare first-person present perspective, which isn’t easy to find.
And so, in light of all the Anne Rice fans, and then the Anita Blake thing, and then Twilight…I just couldn’t do it anymore. These fucking insipid children have taken my favorite monster from me. I have forgotten more vampire myth than most people will know in their lifetimes.
For example, the drinking of red liquid blood is a newer phenomenon in vampire mythology, relatively. In the REAAAALLY old myths, the Persian and Chinese myths, the being would extract your chi, your life energy, your SOUL…through the BACK OF THE NECK (because that’s where the soul leaves, doncha know?) like in the middle of a crowd, broad daylight, they could just steal a little of your energy and go about their day. In the Chinese mythologies its a lot more mobile corpse or spirit tied to corpse, but the Persians had a way of making their magical shit sleek and sexy.
So I threw away my vampires and clutched to my zombies. Zombies are fun, walking undead, it’s cool.
No. Cue the Walking Dead, Left 4 Dead, and the eight million other zombie everythings that got huge. FUCK! REALLY?
FINE. FUCK YOU GUYS! You want all the fucking monsters for the mainstream, fucking take them. I STILL HAVE FUCKING LOVECRAFT, WHICH YOU FUCKING MORONS DON’T..AWWWW FUCK!
Cthulhu is everywhere now. I have a fucking squishable Cthulhu sitting on my futon RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I also have a big ass book of Lovecraft that I’ve read a hundred million times. My favorite stories: Charles Dexter Ward, The Cats of Ulthor, the Doom That Came to Sarnath, The Thing On the Doorstep, and any of the Randolph Carter stories. Call of Cthulhu is an amazing work, but not my favorite. Its synthesizes a lot of information from a lot of times and places into a tangible story, and writing like that is hard to achieve, but I’ve read that story since middle school and it took years before I really understood it.
But then there’s Professor H.P. Hatecraft on Scooby Doo: Mysteries Inc., memes are popping up at an alarming rate, and I have to wonder how many of these people have actually READ any Lovecraft AT ALL? If there’s a legitimate fandom building because the rest of the world is finally catching up and realizing that he was and is one of the formative authors of what is now horror fiction in our culture? If so then it’s all gravy and I have no complaints. But if it’s a bunch of fucking idiiots just trying to look cool by latching to a hot button, I have this to say:
I’m not budging this time. You took my goddamn vampires, you took my fucking zombies…you want Cthulhu? Find me in Kadath if you can survive the Swirling Chaos, and you can try to take him from my cold dead hands. You want to start acting like you love Lovecraft, you better come prepared. There will. Be. A quiz.
At least people are still too weirded out to like demons and devils, I guess. Time to go brush up on some fictional diabolism