The Cook’s Couch Episode 2: Fried Rice and Vincent Price

Okay, so I lied.  I wasn’t going to post a Cook’s Couch because I didn’t have any onions.  But sooner or later, hungry happens.  And it’s motherfucking Halloween.  So I threw together something nice and quick to tide you over.

We had two little pork chops about to go bad in the fridge, some chicken breast thawed, and all the carrots, celery, broccoli, and garlic I could need.  I also have a 10-lb bag of long grain white rice, soy sauce…alright it looks like I’m cookin’ tonight.

And what better way to commemorate the occasion…than with a classic.  House on Haunted Hill, the original.  I love Geoffrey Rush and Taye Diggs as much as the next man, but this ain’t yo cousin’s halloween sleepover pajama-rama, little girl.  Oh no.  This is Halloween.  So we’re watching some Vincent Goddamn Price.  

I’ll admit, the movie is silly and kind of cheeky because, well, I mean come on…skeleton wandering around obviously on lines and poles…it’s just so much joy to see the old school horror tropes, to remember what movies were like before CGI, multimillion dollar budgets and scores/soundtracks provided by random creepy popular musicians.  Back when movies were just movies.  And also Vincent Price.  Everyone should know Vincent Price.  Especially on Halloween.

But back to the food.

This shit is super easy.  Boil two cups water, add one cup rice.  Cook that shit.  While that’s cooking chop the veggies up, then the meat.  When the rice is done, heat up the wok and toss the garlic, carrots, and celery in.  The broccoli isn’t until later.  Cook your veggie mix until it’s all glisteny and fragrant and then scoot it over to the side.  drop in the meat, cook that all together for a bit.  Take one egg, scramble it in the wok, then mix it in with the rest.  Cook that for a bit, and right around the time it looks like it’ll be done soon, add the broccoli on top and let the rest of the food kind of steam it a little.  Then mix it all together and start adding in rice.  Add a few splashes of soy sauce and some hoisin if you got it…and bam.  Twenty minutes to tasty.  MMMMMMM.

Now go get scared shitless folks.  It’s halloween.

About geist171

All my life I was told that I could be anything I wanted. I chose to be gracious for my blessings, generous with my fortunes, and in no particular hurry. I view my ADD as an alternative cognitive configuration rather than a disorder, and I never. shut. the fuck. up. I promise.
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2 Responses to The Cook’s Couch Episode 2: Fried Rice and Vincent Price

  1. Giselle Noir says:

    UGH I was just stewing over the annoyance of CGI the other day. A skeleton on wires is scarier than some CGI bullshit. CGI is not scary, and it always looks fake as hell because it cannot beat the legit lighting on a tangible object. Case in point: compare John Carpenter’s The Thing from 1982 to it’s most recent “prequel” (that did NOT deserve to have the same name) from 2011. Guess why Carpenter’s film was as unnerving as it was…because they put in the time and the effort to create animatronics. Not to mention the prequel APPARENTLY HAD ANIMATRONICS BUT THEY WERE SCRAPED FOR “MORE REALISTIC CGI.” Yeah, whoever thought that bullshit looked more realistic should be punched in the dick/cunt.

    CGI to me is a fucking cop out and it breaks the illusion of whatever it is the filmmakers are trying to portray.

    • geist171 says:


      Give in to your anger. Join the Dark Side and you will be more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

      But seriously though…this is the kind of passion I’m talkin about. Right here.

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