It didn’t even want to cuddle afterwards. What a dick.
WARNING: This is not a test. This is an actual rant. Neither the Passion nor the Grice are responsible for any loss of life, limb, or sanity.
I really don’t like Winter. And I know that technically Winter isn’t actually here yet; we still have another month of Autumn, but that in no way changes anything. Winter is here, and fuck it for being early. And while I could very easily fill this blog with a bunch of Fire & Ice puns, fuck that whole series, books AND show. It’s so goddamn depressing it makes me want to watch Requiem for a Dream to cheer up, and that movie makes me contemplate suicide.
For starters, I think that Christmas is the greediest cultural event in the history of humanity. or at very least the current iteration of American culture. Not satisfied with the entire month of December, the “most wonderful time of the year” has made a march across the calendar, swallowing up weeks in November. Christmas music started at work November 16th. But surely, you say, it’ll stop with November? Christmas will just take November from Thanksgiving which is kind of a bullshit holiday but it’s tradition so we’ll leave it there, just add it to the Christmas season.
Don’t be fooled. That rationale has been used before.
Yes, I just purposefully perpetrated the use of reductio ad Hitlerum, though I suppose in this case it would be reductio ad Nazi…um? Nazii? I don’t speak Latin, sue me. And the reason I did this is…
That’s how much I don’t like Christmas. I don’t like Christmas for the same reason I don’t like Valentine’s Day. It’s a more-or-less formerly religious holiday that has been completely, COMPLETELY secularized and commercialized to the point that it’s little more than a corporate consumption event.
This, for the record, is just symptomatic. The real reason I hate Christmas is the sheen of disingenuous (screw you spellchecker Webster says it’s right) pleasantry, love, and acceptance. For about a month out of the year, people pull a complete 180-degree turn, eschewing their selfish, self-righteous ways in the spirit of generosity and human unity and kindness.
So why can’t they act like that the other 11 months a year? When it’s not Christmas? Really, are we so afraid of some mythical peeping-tom gift-giving stalker that for about 25 days we actually act like human beings? Go fucking kill yourselves please, right meow.
Human unity and kindness are not seasonal. Let me say that again. Human unity and kindess are not fucking seasonal. They aren’t some kind of festive sweater you put on once a year to prove to everyone that you’re so totally a good person. They should be commitments you make to yourself and/or to whatever God you have taken upon yourself to enrich the lives of the people around you for the sole sake of doing so. If everyone in some small way looked after and cared for the people around them in the world, we’d need fewer therapists, fewer prescriptions for social and mental disorders that lack an actual chemical component, and in general more people might actually be decent human beings.
Which brings me to the real reason that I hate winter…the depression.
It more or less amounts to Seasonal Affective Disorder, which I likely come by congenitally. As much as I would like it to be as simple as Vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight, or a reaction to the colder weather, I’ve taken steps before to remove those from the list of issues and it still doesn’t help.
And there’s no hard-set line for when it starts. The time change certainly doesn’t help, but generally speaking sometime in the month of November or December or January something bad will happen. It might be a big thing, it might be something insignificant to anyone but me, but something knocks me from the mental and psychic/psychological momentum of Halloween and Autumn…right on my fucking ass. And it takes months to get back up on my feet. Thinking it was perhaps something more pervasive a couple of years ago, I sought the mental healthcare I could afford: an income-based therapist (since I had just quit my job I had no income, so free.) Who was younger than I was and while decent at what he did was not what I needed.
It could also just be that the winter fucking sucks. Once the Christmas season is over, we begin the long, slow crawl through the first four months of the year. Everyone is broke and having to scrape money together to not freeze to death, so my hours are shit on top of already not doing a lot of business because the cold keeps people inside. I’m always exhausted, and the world is coated in a fine film of powdered suck. Bills I already couldn’t really pay start stacking up because now there’s even less money than before.
Little things that only kind of bother me the rest of the year send me into irrational pits of self-loathing and general rage-spray. Minor shit becomes existentially significant and I do a lot of wallowing. It’s the time of year I’m most likely to become a complete hermit and the one time of year that I desperately need not to be for my own sanity. It’s not that I need constant social stimulation, I have the internet for that. But I need regular actual human interaction and good times with people or my mental state crumbles at an alarming rate. Sometime around April or so I finally start to snap out of it.
It’s not something that’s easy for me to talk about a lot, which is part of the reason I’m posting about it. A lot of the time I’m a shoulder for people, and to be honest other people’s problems are a lot easier to solve. But it also generally means that when I start talking to people about my problems, most people don’t have a lot of useful or productive things to say. Over the years I’ve managed to cultivate some very good friends, and so I am not nearly as at-a-lack as I once was, and I know that a lot of people aren’t as fortunate as I am, but it’s hard to see the light when the dark is inside you mind.
In other news, I am currently seeking new residence and contemplating a possible change of employment. I’m starting to get that sinking ship feeling at work, and I really would prefer not to be the last rat on board. It might take a year, it might not sink, but at this point I need to at least consider it. Especially considering that whole “new residence” thing. As such, any number of changes may occur, to include but not be limited to loss of internet, change of city, change of job, resurgence of presence in social circles, absence of presence in social circles and change in habits.